Well not mine of course! Gede’s! Its a weird feeling when your part time boyfriend gets engaged to someone else. Especially when you don’t get a heads up that it’s happening. It is just fucking fantastic to find out on Instagram just like everyone else. What did you expect Fat Girl?? Seriously!! Well I expected some respect is what I expected. Would it surprise you dear reader to know that I have been in this position before? So I am well versed in how to cope with this I think. But Gede getting engaged did take me back down memory lane. And reminded me that I put myself in this position with men. They invite me in, I accept and keep their deep dark kinky secrets. So let me take you back 10 years or so, to the first time this happened to me.
So I met Dan in about 2004 in my old town of Albany. We used to flirt and carry on weekends at the pubs/nightclubs. Nothing much in it really. One weekend we took it further and had sex. A drunken root. Again, just a bit of fun. My memory is a bit sketchy here but I think he was on his way outta the country to the UK to do the aussie backpacker thing, as was I, just a few years later. We didn’t have any contact during this time. Facebook wasn’t a thing and it wasn’t like we were mates that would text each other hello. Fast forward to 2007 and I had just come back from the UK to start life back up in Albany. I had just purchased a business, got back into my old place and was having a pretty good time being back in Australia. One Friday night I went to the pub with my mates, The Earl. I used to work there back in the day, and it was a cool old style English pub. I was sitting at the bar enjoying a pint, and I look over and who do I see…. Dan. We had the old hug and kiss catch up and he stayed and had a chat. It was pretty apparent that he was getting a bit pissy, as was I, so the banter was fun and flirtatious. After a few more pints I think we decided to hook up later – realising we lived on the same street! I remember going home, him messaging me saying to come up and so I trekked up the street. We had hot drunken sex that night. It was hot, it was passionate, it was fun and it felt fucking real. I can’t remember if I knew then that he had a girlfriend. I think I had an inkling, but I guess it wouldn’t have mattered to me either way.
So a very long story short, after that night Dan and I started seeing each other all the time. We had a strong connection with each other. I really really liked him, he seemed to love my company too and the sex was sensational. How did we spend so much time together if he had a girlfriend I hear you ask? She lived in England. Convenient hey. Things progressed between us, he never said he would leave his girlfriend but he told me he loved me all the time. I still couldn’t find those words to say back to him though. I felt it, just couldn’t say it back. His plan was to move over to the UK to be with her in about a year and live happily ever after. I just couldn’t see it happening. His feelings for me just seemed to be so real and genuine, I actually still think they were. I thought we were soulmates. Still do, if I’m honest. Anyhoo… We were a thing – he friends knew it, my friends knew it – we would do things as a couple, he even met my parents! So you can understand why I thought that this man would never move to the UK – he will surely stay with me forever. We will get married, I’ll have his babies and we will get our white picket fence. He mentioned kids often to me too. It was definitely a plan.
At this stage we had probably been seeing each other for about 10 or so months I guess. He went to Thailand to meet his girlfriend for a holiday, I think he was away for a fortnight. It hurt me that he left – but I understood. I didn’t know when he was exactly coming back to Australia, so I just waited patiently for his return. It happened on a Wednesday night, I’ll never forget it. He rocked up at my doorstep drunk outta his mind and really emotional. Not crying, but close. We go to bed, and we start to have sex, hot, hard sex. He fucks me up the ass, which I know he loves, but we don’t do it often, its still a new thing for us. He finishes, he holds me close, and then he says the words that every girls wants to hear after an orgasm…. “Claire and I got engaged in Thailand” Well fuck me. Thanks very fucking much. We ended up going for a drive after this, where I have never seen him so emotional, loving and affectionate. Definitely not the way you’d expect a man to be after getting engaged to someone else. You’d expect that they would be trying to get themselves out of the situation as quick and painless as possible. Nope not Dan. He was holding on tight.
Time went by, we carried on as normal until time came that he was flying out to the UK. When he left I was absolutely devastated. I loved him. He loved me. But the pull to be with someone else was obviously greater than what him and I had. I always thought he would stay. I thought he would realise that him and I were supposed to be forever. How could he leave me when he was my everything?? So he left. We were it. Done. Finished. The love of my life decided on another path that didn’t include me. How the fuck was I gonna pick myself up after this? I did though. I had to move towns though, cos every single place in that town reminded me of him, and I just couldn’t stand the memory. He still lives in the UK. Married, two kids. I assume he is happy. We chat very rarely. We are fond of each other – but the past is the past and that is where it needs to stay.
So this brings me back to now 2019 where the guy I like and am completely infatuated with gets engaged to someone else. Why do I keep putting myself in these positions? I haven’t even cut Gede off. I gave him one hostile message, but I haven’t blocked him. I already have plans to message him for his birthday next week. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?? I can’t let go. I can’t give up. But I know this is just gonna end up in my heartache with the man leaving me to have their fairytale ending. This is my fault. I do this to myself. I realise that, but I am not quite sure how I break the cycle. Gede is my last. I have promised myself that much. I won’t do this to myself ever again. Why do I think that the only man that will love me is the one that loves another? That is fucked up.
I must disclose this…. I write this post as I wait for E to turn up. I haven’t seen him in a year and he promises me some dick. So now I’m gonna let him, Mr Narcissist, walk back into my life and most probably fuck me up some more.
Honestly Fat Girl. What the fuck are you doing to yourself?
neverflirtwithafatgirl 