Happy Engagement!

Well not mine of course! Gede’s!  Its a weird feeling when your part time boyfriend gets engaged to someone else. Especially when you don’t get a heads up that it’s happening.  It is just fucking fantastic to find out on Instagram just like everyone else.  What did you expect Fat Girl??  Seriously!!  Well I expected some respect is what I expected.  Would it surprise you dear reader to know that I have been in this position before?  So I am well versed in how to cope with this I think.  But Gede getting engaged did take me back down memory lane.  And reminded me that I put myself in this position with men.  They invite me in, I accept and keep their deep dark kinky secrets.   So let me take you back 10 years or so, to the first time this happened to me.

So I met Dan in about 2004 in my old town of Albany. We used to flirt and carry on weekends at the pubs/nightclubs.  Nothing much in it really.  One weekend we took it further and had sex.  A drunken root.  Again, just a bit of fun.  My memory is a bit sketchy here but I think he was on his way outta the country to the UK to do the aussie backpacker thing, as was I, just a few years later.  We didn’t have any contact during this time.  Facebook wasn’t a thing and it wasn’t like we were mates that would text each other hello. Fast forward to 2007 and I had just come back from the UK to start life back up in Albany.  I had just purchased a business, got back into my old place and was having a pretty good time being back in Australia.  One Friday night I went to the pub with my mates, The Earl.  I used to work there back in the day, and it was a cool old style English pub.  I was sitting at the bar enjoying a pint, and I look over and who do I see…. Dan.  We had the old hug and kiss catch up and he stayed and had a chat.  It was pretty apparent that he was getting a bit pissy, as was I, so the banter was fun and flirtatious.  After a few more pints I think we decided to hook up later – realising we lived on the same street! I remember going home, him messaging me saying to come up and so I trekked up the street.  We had hot drunken sex that night.  It was hot, it was passionate, it was fun and it felt fucking real.  I can’t remember if I knew then that he had a girlfriend.  I think I had an inkling, but I guess it wouldn’t have mattered to me either way.

So a very long story short, after that night Dan and I started seeing each other all the time. We had a strong connection with each other.  I really really liked him, he seemed to love my company too and the sex was sensational.  How did we spend so much time together if he had a girlfriend I hear you ask? She lived in England.  Convenient hey.  Things progressed between us, he never said he would leave his girlfriend but he told me he loved me all the time.  I still couldn’t find those words to say back to him though.  I felt it, just couldn’t say it back.  His plan was to move over to the UK to be with her in about a year and live happily ever after. I just couldn’t see it happening.  His feelings for me just seemed to be so real and genuine, I actually still think they were.  I thought we were soulmates.  Still do, if I’m honest.  Anyhoo… We were a thing – he friends knew it, my friends knew it – we would do things as a couple, he even met my parents!  So you can understand why I thought that this man would never move to the UK – he will surely stay with me forever.  We will get married, I’ll have his babies and we will get our white picket fence.  He mentioned kids often to me too.  It was definitely a plan.
At this stage we had probably been seeing each other for about 10 or so months I guess.  He went to Thailand to meet his girlfriend for a holiday, I think he was away for a fortnight.  It hurt me that he left – but I understood.  I didn’t know when he was exactly coming back to Australia, so I just waited patiently for his return.  It happened on a Wednesday night, I’ll never forget it.  He rocked up at my doorstep drunk outta his mind and really emotional.  Not crying, but close.  We go to bed, and we start to have sex, hot, hard sex.  He fucks me up the ass, which I know he loves, but we don’t do it often,  its still a new thing for us.  He finishes, he holds me close, and then he says the words that every girls wants to hear after an orgasm…. “Claire and I got engaged in Thailand”  Well fuck me. Thanks very fucking much.  We ended up going for a drive after this, where I have never seen him so emotional, loving and affectionate.  Definitely not the way you’d expect a man to be after getting engaged to someone else.  You’d expect that they would be trying to get themselves out of the situation as quick and painless as possible.  Nope not Dan.  He was holding on tight.

Time went by, we carried on as normal until time came that he was flying out to the UK. When he left I was absolutely devastated.  I loved him.  He loved me.  But the pull to be with someone else was obviously greater than what him and I had.  I always thought he would stay.  I thought he would realise that him and I were supposed to be forever.  How could he leave me when he was my everything??  So he left.  We were it. Done. Finished. The love of my life decided on another path that didn’t include me.  How the fuck was I gonna pick myself up after this?  I did though.  I had to move towns though, cos every single place in that town reminded me of him, and I just couldn’t stand the memory.  He still lives in the UK.  Married, two kids.  I assume he is happy.  We chat very rarely.  We are fond of each other – but the past is the past and that is where it needs to stay.

So this brings me back to now 2019 where the guy I like and am completely infatuated with gets engaged to someone else.  Why do I keep putting myself in these positions?  I haven’t even cut Gede off.  I gave him one hostile message, but I haven’t blocked him.  I already have plans to message him for his birthday next week.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??  I can’t let go.  I can’t give up.  But I know this is just gonna end up in my heartache with the man leaving me to have their fairytale ending.  This is my fault.  I do this to myself.  I realise that, but I am not quite sure how I break the cycle.  Gede is my last.  I have promised myself that much.  I won’t do this to myself ever again.   Why do I think that the only man that will love me is the one that loves another?  That is fucked up.

I must disclose this…. I write this post as I wait for E to turn up.  I haven’t seen him in a year and he promises me some dick.  So now I’m gonna let him,  Mr Narcissist, walk back into my life and most probably fuck me up some more.

Honestly Fat Girl.  What the fuck are you doing to yourself?

 

To Gede

There are so many things to say and I do not have a clue how to say any of them. I am so good with words. Always have the right things to say.  But when it comes to matters of my own heart, I am completely useless.  Can’t get a single word out.

You have changed my world.  That chance meeting, a simple beer down the beach turned into so much more than I could ever imagine and I am still shocked to this very day that it even happened.  And to be in this position 3 months later, well fuck.  I don’t think either of us could have predicted it.  I wanted to have this conversation with you in person on my last night in Bali.  I had all words ready that night, but drunk Gede walked in and I must admit I was a little relieved that I was off the hook in telling you how I felt.

But

With tears in my eyes as I write this down, I realise that I have to say those words to you.  I have to tell you how I feel.  This isn’t casual for me anymore. I know I said to you the first night we were together that you didn’t have to worry about me.  That this was just going to be casual, we would be friends with benefits, nothing more, nothing less.  I don’t catch feelings.  Sex is sex and I get it. I’m not that kinda girl.  In my defence, the girl I described to you that day did exist.  She existed until the day I met you and then shit got very real for me.

When I got back from Bali in March I was an absolute fucking mess.  I was feeling emotions that I have never felt before.  The connection I felt to you was weird.  I didn’t even know you. We had a brief encounter. It was fucking hot and as sexy as hell.  It should have been left right there on the beach. But we didn’t let that happen did we.  Fuck Gede! Why did we let this happen? I was drawn to you.  Like a moth to a flame.  I couldn’t help myself.  I was drunk in lust.  This had never happened to me before and had so many emotions about it all, I didn’t even recognise myself.  My friends thought I was losing my mind and could not work out what the fuck was wrong with me.  I couldn’t either.  I had to get back to you.  I had to know if this was real.  I needed to get my head outta the clouds and get rid of all the “what if?” in my head.

I booked that May trip with much thought. Nothing told me not to do it.  I had nothing to lose.  I was really worried that you would question why I was coming back, or why I was coming on my own. Your smile when I told you I was coming back will be something I will never forget.  I knew I was doing the right thing.  You never asked me those questions.  Did you realise I came over for you and only you? Were you nervous that I was getting in too deep with you?  If you were, I never picked up on it.  I actually thought we would fuck the lust out of each other and it would be it – that didn’t happen.   The night I got really drunk (I’m sorry about that…..!) there was a shit tonne of emotion behind that night.  I’m sure you knew that,  after it was when you said we had to stop.  But there is a lot more to it than that.  Before you arrived that day, I had already decided that I didn’t want to be in this position anymore.  I didn’t want to be anyone’s second choice.  I wanted to be someone’s celebrated love.  The one that they put above everyone else. The one I could be open with and share my love with in public and not be hiding in the shadows.   And I didn’t want to fall in love with someone who had a wife or a girlfriend.   So now I wanna take you on a short journey down my memory lane, so you can understand why I am the way that I am when it comes to love, and why I didn’t stop you straight away that night when you first kissed me.

The first man I ever really loved was a bloke called Alfie. We had always had affection for each other over the years but nothing had ever eventuated. I’d been living in London for a year and I came back to Albany to live.  I ran into Alfie at our local pub – we hit it off and of course one thing lead to another and well…. you know how these things end.  Funnily enough Alfie and I lived on the same street and didn’t know. We started seeing each other regularly.  It was awesome.  This by the way was a good 12 years ago.  I was falling for him quickly.  We were a perfect match. But guess what?  Alfie had a girlfriend. She lived in England. The plan was for him to move over there in a year and live happily ever after.  Sound familiar?  Him and I were together for a year.  In that time he told me he loved me, he met all my friends and family (including my parents) and I stupidly thought that he would see sense and realise that he should be with me and change his plans. He didn’t. He left. He lives with his now wife in England with two kids.  He got to live his fairytale life and I got left in the cold.

Fast forward 8 or so years later, I’ve had a few casual relationships in this time, but nothing really stuck.  I was still pretty fucked up from Alfie and just wouldn’t let anyone in.  In walks Elias into my life.  Now Elias and I were only meant to be a one night kinda situation.  Casual, no strings attached, just some fun.  The night we met, actually is pretty similar to you and I. That animal attraction that you just have to act on.  Elias is from the US.  He had an interesting back story and we just clicked. He felt it.  I felt it.  This was more than a one night thing.  He told me that he was separated from his wife and she lived in the US with his son.  They had a complex relationship, I didn’t ask too many questions.  I fucking should have. Elias and I were together for 2 years.  Little did I know, for 12 months of that time he was actually still with his wife.  They weren’t separated at all.  She came over to Australia for a while.  Elias and I just had to be “best friends” at that point.  I was devastated.  He had deceived me, he made sure that he was my complete world and then just broke my heart.  I was mad at myself that I had let myself be back at this spot.  But I loved him. I would do anything for him.   We’ve salvaged a friendship now – but I must admit, I’m glad he lives in Ethiopia now and I’m out of his grasp.  Elias fucked me up.  Badly.  I used to always put him first.  Even when I started dating other people, he still was number one.  I’ve learnt that lesson now.  Fuck that.

So I am used to being the girl in the shadows.  I’m used to being the dirty little secret. The girl that is never celebrated. The girl that is good enough to fuck often, but not to have a relationship with.   The “Best Friend”.  When you used that term to me when we first met – I shuddered. I should have stopped what we were doing then and there but I just didn’t have the willpower.

As I write this Gede, I still don’t even know what I want the end game to be.  If you were to break up with your girlfriend, would I expect to be next in line? I don’t know.  Would I expect that you would drop plans with her and pick up similar plans with me?  I don’t know.  Are you and I meant to be together? I don’t know.  Will this fizzle out on it’s own and we will realise there is no substance to it?  I don’t know.  To be honest if it was going to fizzle out, it would have happened by now.

I’ll tell you what I do know.  I want to be loved. I want a love that is celebrated, open, honest and all encompassing. Love takes many forms – but I don’t want a love that is in the shadows.  It is not enough for me. Its taken me a lot of years to realise, but I deserve more.  You and I may have a future Gede, I’m not discounting that, there is a reason we met and the connection and chemistry we have is something I have never felt before – but something has got to give.  While I write this – you are messaging me telling me how depressed you are because your girlfriend isn’t talking to you.  She went out with her ex last night.  That should be telling you something.  And remember – you aren’t innocent in all this.  You started this with me. You chose to kiss me.  You chose to sleep with me down the beach.  I may have chosen to come back to Bali in May – but it was your choice to be with me.  That as well, should be telling you something about your relationship with your girlfriend.  We both are at fault here.  Someone, if not all of us are going to be hurt here.  Its unavoidable.

On a side note – a positive side note, since I met you, I have never felt so desired in all my life.  The way you look at me….. Wow.  I think I am going to find it very difficult to find a man to ever look at me the way you look at me.  The way your eyes devour my body is just delicious. And fucking addictive. I have never been the shy type, but you have given me such confidence it surprised me.  I feel so sexy when I’m with you, when you are looking at me I feel like I am the only woman in the room.  Your desire just speaks volume and I fucking love it.  Sex with you is just out of this world.  I think about it all the time.  You turn me on so fucking much – sometimes its unbearable.  Is this just a sex thing?  Are we just obsessed by the sex?  I do ask myself that question often.  If we were to be together I think that is the thing that will always keep us close.  That primal need to touch each other. Fuck each other, be touching, be close. That chemistry thing.  Its hard to find.

So in conclusion… there must be a conclusion hey.

I have feelings for you.  This isn’t casual for me anymore.  This may not be a revelation to you, but I needed to say it.  I’m invested in you and I am invested in us. I don’t know what us even would look like, but I’m in.  Head over heels in. But, I can’t look into the future with you right now.  You have a girlfriend.  Your future plans are with her, not me.  You love her, not me.  I get it.  I just couldn’t not be silent anymore. I’m in this too.  My feelings count.  But you can’t be wary of my feelings if I don’t tell you how I feel.  Every time you post a picture of the two of you together, my heart aches a little bit.  It hurts. That’s my own fault though, I knew exactly what I was getting into.  I should have stopped this.  I didn’t.  There is just something about you.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I met you for a reason.  We are still in contact for a reason. This doesn’t necessarily mean I am going to get my fairytale ending though.  For once in my life I needed to tell the man I’m involved with that I love him.   Tell him first and not be afraid of the rejection when and if it comes. Be open. Be honest and put my heart on the line.   I have never been in control in my relationships because I was never number 1.  I am not number 1 now with you – but I am making a change.  I am changing my pattern of shit relationships.  This is how I feel.

This may make you run.  This might make you look at me differently, this might make you closer to your girlfriend.  But I don’t care.  I had to tell you.  I had to say this to you. Love comes in so many different forms and I have to learn that I can be loved and I can be someone’s everything.

I think that’s it.

 

 

I’m going

So after many chats with friends, fighting with my heart and head I have decided to go back to Bali and see what’s what with Gede.  We are still in contact.  Every day there are messages and video calls twice a week.  My obsession with him is so over the top now I just let myself do it.

I was worried about telling Gede I was coming back.  Thinking he may freak out that I said I was the girl who wouldn’t get attached and here I am coming back after less than 2 months away.  I had all my answers ready for him when he asked me why I was coming back so soon. I’ll try and not make it about him.  I’ll talk about the business idea.  I’ll talk about needing a break.  I’ll talk about what ever I need to make sure he is comfortable with me coming back.  So I told him.  And all I got back were huge massive smiles. “Really?” he says?  “You’ll be back in a few weeks?” And I could tell he was stoked.

Going back is obviously going to open a huge can of worms.  I know this.  I need to know more about him.  I need to know if the feelings I have for him are real.  I need to know how he feels.  I need some clarity.  I figure that it’s better to know than not to know, so I can move on with my life either way.  I do not want to live in the world of “what if?” I’ll either come back heart broken or come back with a plan about him and me being together, or I guess we could always just keep the status quo.

One HUGE part that I am not considering in all this is his girlfriend.  I should be considering her.  I should not be doing this if I considered her.  I feel though that that is something that he has to work out.  Maybe I am 1 of 100.  Maybe he does this all the time and is a great liar and manipulator.  I could be being naive here, but I don’t think that is the case. He loves her dearly, but has found a connection with me that was probably supposed to fizzle out on the beach that night, instead turned into something we both didn’t expect.

So I am going.  I will spend as much time as I can with him while I am there, have some conversations with him about us.  The “your my best friend” line will only work so long for me before I’ll need to have that chat with him about what he is doing.  The theory for me still stands – if he loved her totally and completely he wouldn’t be fucking around with me.

Time will tell!

Why won’t you just support me?

Look, I am the first to admit that I am not myself right now.  When I hear some of the things coming out of my mouth I am shocked.  More shocking is the thoughts in my brain. Where the fuck are they coming from?  Everyone is noticing that something is up with me, but no one has a solution, but fuck me do they have an opinion if I plan on doing something that will affect them.  Because heaven forbid I make a decision on my own without your approval.

So whats been happening…..?  Here is the story.

Contrary to these blog posts I do about relationships – when I have sex with someone new its usually a root and boot situation.  I don’t get feelings, I don’t care about how the guy feels, I just wanna get off and then he can go home.  I have been doing this for years.  Its not even something I think about.  I like sex, so I get it when I want, no feels, just orgasms.. well hopefully.

So I recently went to Bali with two friends of mine.  It was a typical Bali trip, nothing too different from any other Bali trip.  I did strap on a bikini for the first time – so that was pretty epic for me being a fat girl and all.  Anyhoo, one of my friends left earlier – he was the party person of the group so it was just me and my friend T for a few days.  In maintaining the momentum of the holiday, T and I decided to get off the balcony of our hotel, go down the beach and watch the sunset with a few beers.  Perfect.  So just out the front of our hotel was a few beach bars, so we picked one, sat down and were greeted by a seriously good looking Indonesian man.  His name was Gede. He got us some beers and then plonked himself down next to me and we started having a chat.  He was lovely, had a great attitude and really open to talking to us about his life.  It was a great afternoon.  We added each other on Instagram, said goodbye and told him we would be back tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and I was eager to get down the beach.  I have no idea why – I put a little extra into my appearance (well Bali style…. bigger earrings and maybe brushed my hair hahaha) T was in the middle of her book so she took that with her and off we went.  Gede wasn’t at the bar when we got there, so we just took our seats, got our beers, T buried her head in her book and I watched the world pass by. Not long went past and Gede turns up and comes to chat.  Looking back now – it was perfect that T was engrossed in her book because it gave me and Gede some time to get to know each other.  At this point though, in my head it was just friendly.  Nothing in it at all.  It didn’t even cross my mind.  I actually thought he might be interested in T.  So it was all just normal banter. He kept grabbing my hand, making contact with me – but I just put it down to him being Balinese.  They are really affectionate people, so again, nothing crossed my mind.  Anyway, the afternoon goes on, more bintangs consumed and I needed to go to the toilet that was back at the hotel.  So I start to walk back as Gede starts to walk towards me.  He grabs me and we start to playfully dance.  I laughed and said “Ohhh isn’t this romantic! Sun setting, dancing on the beach, beautiful!”  Our faces got quite close at this point and then I had my first thought that something might be happening here.  He walked me back up behind his bar, grabbed me and kissed me.  That kiss I will never ever forget. That kiss made the world stop.  That kiss made me think of nothing but him.  That kiss changed me.  I was so shocked.  Shocked that I, a 37 year old woman is down the beach kissing a beautiful 27 year old man.  That moment was perfect.  It felt like we kissed forever and had been kissing each other forever. Once we broke apart, his face breaks and he says the words I always love to hear “Oh my god, I have a girlfriend”  Fucking perfect alright.  I pretty much put my hands in the air and said “Well there isn’t much you can do now, you’ve already done this!”  He asked me if I had a boyfriend, we discussed it briefly and then I left to go to the toilet.

When I came back, he was waiting for me back at the bar, it was starting to get dark now so it was a bit more private.  T doesn’t like to be left on her own in Bali, so I knew I wouldn’t have long with Gede – but he had sent his brother down to her to chat to keep her occupied.  It only took seconds before he was kissing me again.  It was electric. He lays me down on a chair pulls my bathers aside and starts to finger me. Anyone could have walked past and seen us.  Thankfully nobody did and we didn’t care. I just had to try and keep my moaning to a minimum.  I gave him a hard and fast blow job, knowing that T would be coming to look for me soon,  so wanted to show him what I was good at before I had to leave.  Safe to say – I haven’t lost my touch! We re-grouped got up, fixed ourselves up and went back down to the chairs.  T already had my bag and her bag on her shoulders, had paid the bill and was up and ready to go.  Fuck I didn’t want to leave yet! I convinced her that I was just up talking to Gede and asked if I could finish my beer then we will go get some dinner.  We did that, said our goodbyes as we were leaving to go home the next day and as I hugged Gede he whispered in my ear “Message me later…” Go Fat Girl!!

So I had to tell T what was going on.  Because wild horses couldn’t stop me from having another rendezvous if it was offered to me. I was drunk on lust, and a little drunk in general.  T was fine with it all.  She just let me go.  So after a few messages back and forth Gede and I met back down near his bar.  Its so dark and empty down the beach at night.  Hardly a soul around.  Great for us. Gede was different though.  He was quiet.  Shy even.  Not the outgoing loud mouth that I had met earlier down the beach.  We had the conversation that we were just going to be friends with benefits, and I told him over and over that he’s got nothing to worry about, I’m not that kinda girl, I won’t get attached – it is what it is and its just some fun.  Fucking famous last words.   We start to kiss again and that magic reappears.  I can’t explain it.  We ended up having sex, he bent me over some gym equipment and I don’t think I have ever been so turned on in my life. In the end I was on my back in the sand enjoying every second.  After he finished we got up dusted ourselves off and said our goodbyes.   I was surprised how quick the night ended but then I realised how uncomfortable I was with sand everywhere, I was happy to leave and have a shower.  T and I shared a room, so I wasn’t able to ask him back as she would not be down for that!

So that was that.  I went back to the room, felt fantastic, but felt different. Still a little overwhelmed at what I had just done, but didn’t regret a thing.  The next morning my brain was fucked.  I was really struggling with a million emotions.  Emotions that I hadn’t really felt before. We had to pack and leave so I tried to distract myself but I was finding it hard to get my shit together.  I didn’t want to leave.  I wanted to see him again.  Would I ever see him again?  Why do I feel this way?  So many questions.  I told T I was struggling, she didn’t really get it.  She made a joke about Rhonda and Ketut and I fucking bit her head off.  The plane ride home was torture.  I just wanted to get home, go to bed and dream of the night before.  As soon as I got phone signal back in Australia, I already had a message from Gede.  It was nice that he hadn’t forgotten me already.

I was meant to be hooking up with Rugby when I got back, as it was his week off.  With my emotions all over the place I didn’t really think it was a good idea, but then I thought maybe if I have sex with Rugby it will delete all my feels for Gede.  The sex with Rugby last time was pretty fucking good so maybe he can fuck it out of me. Rugby comes over and I feel like a cold ass bitch.  I’m going through the motions but my heart isn’t in it.  We both get off and he falls asleep, snoring hard in my ear.  I just want him to leave.  I want him out.  I want Gede.  FUCK.  I am in trouble.  I start to cry.  Yep. Cry. I don’t even know who I am at this point.  I message Gede and say “Please promise me you will never ever forget me”  WHO THE FUCK AM I?? In my life – even with E, I have never been this vulnerable.  After a few more orgasms Rugby leaves and I know that that will be the last time I see him.

Once I am left to my own devices my mind goes into overdrive.  I start thinking about how I can get back to Bali.  Hoping that I am pregnant so I can get back to Gede.  This thought is the most fucking crazy as I have never really wanted kids, so this is when I knew I was starting to lose it.  I thought to myself, if I were to get pregnant, what would I do to support myself over there?  The idea came quick and fast.  I would open a plus sized boutique. Beautiful clothes for plus sized women.  Right up my alley.  I’d be really good at it. I have a great business brain, an eye for detail and there is nothing like this in Bali. What a great idea Fat Girl.  I had to go back to work on Monday which made me sob my little heart out.  I cried and cried and felt it hard to put one foot in front of the other. But I did.  In my world of craziness I rang E on Monday afternoon asking him for a loan.  He is still in Ethiopia and was taken back by my question.  I couldn’t understand it, you have so much money, I have this amazing idea why won’t you help me?  He dismissed me quickly and I was fucking mad. I sent him some pretty nasty text messages after this – which I later had to apologise for, but I just didn’t know what the fuck was going on with me.

During the working week I spoke to some work people about what was going on with me.  They were as shocked as me about what I was saying.  Some suggested therapy, some suggested a clairvoyant reading, some suggested fucking more random men to get it out of my head.  (I did book the clairvoyant reading, its tomorrow night).  One very random thing happened that week.  One of my owners who I only ever talk work with asked me out of the blue “If you could own any business you wanted what would you open?” I was speechless.  Why did he ask me this question now? This is not normal for him?  WHY NOW?  I was starting to get freaked out.

I got through the week with many tears and a million fucking emotions but I made it.  Gede and I were still in constant contact.  Mainly just commenting on each others Insty stories, but the connection was there and I think we were both enjoying each other.  Sunday rocks around and Gede tries to video call me.  This is a first.  I freak out and don’t answer.  I compose myself and call him back.  It was so so good to see him again.  We didn’t chat for long because I got too nervous and couldn’t speak properly.  After the chat, he messages me and says he wished we chatted for longer so I promise I will call him later and get my shit together.   That afternoon I went to my friends place.  This was going to be a tough afternoon as I knew that I had to tell them everything that was going on.  So it was T, Troy (who was originally in Bali with us) and Josh.  They can sometimes be a tough audience, but I knew that I needed to tell them everything. I was very honest with them.  Tears flowed and they were truly gobsmacked especially when I told them that I took a pregnancy test this week (it was negative btw).  Some words they said to me really pissed me off though.

“Do we need to confiscate your passport?”

“Well you can’t go back to Bali until at least July because I can’t go until then”

“You can’t leave Perth.  What about me?”

Like I said I understand some of my thought processes have been irrational but I felt they were coming from a place of selfishness rather that an objective place to try and help me out.  They could see I was in a bad place and wanted to help me, but even though I wanted them to know, I didn’t care for their opinion.  They could tell me a million times that I need to cut contact with Gede, but I knew I would never do that. I kept saying to them “Why is he still contacting me?  He knows I’m not rich, its not money, why?  You tell me why he is doing this?”   It’s like E all over again.  Everyone told me to get rid of him like rubbish, I never could and they could never understand it.

I went home pretty drunk and video called Gede.  I was happy again. He got a bit naked, I got a bit naked, it was fun.  It was also fucking torture. I just wanted to feel him.  Be next to him.  Kiss him.  Torture.  Our connection was getting stronger and I was getting obsessed.  So much for the girl who roots and boots.

The next week went on, I was posting more on Instagram than I ever have before just to try and bait Gede into more conversation.  It worked everytime.  But I felt he was doing the same thing.  It was light hearted, flirty and fun.  We were chatting on Thursday night and he starts showing me some clothes he has designed and had made.  They were really good, he is quite creative which really impresses me.  Then he comes out with this cracker:  “What I really want to do is make specialty size clothing for women.  Clothes to make big women feel great, it’s always been a dream of mine”  WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.  I told him what I had been thinking and we were both fucking floored that we had the same plan.  I said that him and I were meant to meet that day and he agreed.  Everything happens for a reason he said.  For me, this is too much of a coincidence, its too big to ignore.  How is this even happening?  I am not that dumb that I am going to jump straight into it, but I feel like it is something that I really do need to look at doing.  Is the universe trying to tell me something?  Is this what I am meant to be doing?  Or is this just a cruel life joke?

This has been a hard few weeks for me.  Trying to understand myself.  Trying to make good decisions. Trying to embrace life and not run from it.  Trying to understand these emotions that I feel for a man I’ve only spent hours with. Its exhausting.  I am very selective now on who I talk to about this stuff.  Not because I only want the feedback that I choose, more because I want an unbiased, unselfish opinion that I trust.  I love my friends but do I do what they say just so they won’t be alone and always have me around or do I take a massive leap and do something that I would never usually do?

So what now?

Well I had the confidence sex.  And wow.  It was good!  So good I can’t stop thinking about it.  It was just what I needed.  Intense, hot, steamy and some bloody good kisses.  Did it boost my confidence?  Yes.  To the level I had hoped?  No.  Rugby has obviously learnt his lesson and he isn’t smothering me anymore.  So should I invite him around again?  I am totally just using him for him body…. I do feel slightly bad about that.  He is such a nice guy, but I hope he knows that I’m just here for the sex.  He did make mention of it when we were together…. asking about other men in my life and how I’m always so busy… haha What a whore I am.

I am going on a date tomorrow.  With a white guy.  An Irish white guy.  We will call him Irish. We’ve been chatting online for ages and I have put off meeting him once and now the time has come where I have to get off my fat ass an meet him.  He seems great. We have great banter.  But… well there is always a but isn’t there.  I am worried about my single life.  My nights like tonight, where I am half cut, cooking a feast, listening to my tunes and just having a merry ol time by myself.  I don’t want to lose this.  I love this time with myself.  I crave this time with myself.  Is this is curse of the long time single woman?  We fall in love with ourselves so only need men for the sex? Have I turned into this person?   Irish works in the mines (FIFO) – two weeks on, 1 week off.  So it could work.  I would still have my time and then have him when he is back.  The FIFO life does not turn me on though.  Falling in love with someone who is away for so long does not excite me at all, but it could work, couldn’t it?

First step thou is getting my ass outta the house and just going to the date in the first place.  He is the first guy I have met online that I have actually wanted to meet in a very long time so I just gotta push myself to go.  I still feel like I am pushed to do this because society tells me too.  I must find a partner.  I can’t feel complete without a man by my side.  I dunno.  I could get all up in my head about it, but I am trying to think of it as a pint with my friend at the pub.  Nothing more nothing less.

I gotta try don’t I?

He may be the love of my life.  He may be the best sex I’ve ever had.  I may meet him once and then never see him again.   It’s a game of chance.

I prefer being single when I don’t play the game of chance and just invite ex’s over for sex to get me through and then just get on with my life….. Anyhoo society says find a man, so I will see how I go with Irish…

Confidence Sex

I haven’t really thought about confidence sex much in my life.  I guess I never really needed to before. I’ve always been a confident fat girl, who would sleep with the men she wanted and wouldn’t give it a second thought.   But something has changed.  I have lost my sex confidence. I haven’t had sex in over 4 months and I am starting to climb the walls.  I think about sex, dream about sex, talk about sex and just want some SEX!!

I think it stems from my whole soul mate issue (see previous blog post).  His ghosting me threw me and I couldn’t work out what I had done wrong and why he just vanished.  So my confidence was gone and I was in a place I had never been before.  See usually my Ex is always hanging around too, so sex was always happening frequently, but with him still overseas, my sex tank is empty and I just crave some deep hard primal sex.

So.. what to do??  I have been chatting to a few men online – they are always up for the casual root aren’t they?! But I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with a stranger.  I have done this plenty before, but now….. I just can’t bring myself to do it.  Desperate for sex and not wanting to sleep with someone new brought me to my new sex catch cry “Confidence Sex”.

I chatted to some friends, asked what they thought. They all said.. great idea, but proceed with caution.  They understood that I needed the confidence boost of an ex lover to get me back out there to meet someone new.  So now to make a list of who to reactivate….

There was really only two men that I even thought about reactivating… Ajay, an old ex that would be happy to have sex with me again but comes with some restrictions and more effort or Ron, a guy who I’ve only ever had a sexual relationship with previously but gave him the flick because he became too clingy.

I treated Ron pretty badly in the past.  Just avoided him when I wanted and only chatted to him when I felt like it.  He was always keen for us to be in a couple, but I just never really felt it.  So Ron is now Reactivated. I text him on Saturday – he immediately asked when he could come over and it is all planned.  So confidence sex is happening on Friday night hopefully.  I hope Ron sees this for what it is, and nothing more.  I guess that is the problem with reactivation.  You never know how it’s gonna pan out.  I know I am using him, but I don’t promise him anything I can’t deliver on either.

So in my mind, I’m gonna have this confidence sex, feel much better about myself, feel sexy, wanted and desirable.  Not putting any pressure on myself at all hahahaha!  If nothing else, it will scratch a big fucking itch.

Confidence Sex.  Let’s see if it works….

Soul Mates

So I don’t think I told you all.  I found my soul mate.  Yessir! Found him!  He is everything I wanted. Gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome and all that.  He is smart, got a great job, is driven and we want all the same things in life.  The sex is outrageously good and it’s just magic!  There is only one problem.  I am not his soul mate.  We are mis-matched soul mates.  Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

I thought I was on such a good thing – the Ex is still overseas, so perfect timing to get something started without his distraction.  (I’ve just realised I talked about this new dude in my last blog post.  So this is a great update then.) So me and EK had this amazing night together, we reminisced, fucked, snuggled, made plans for the future and then guess what??…… HE GHOSTED ME!!! I am still absolutely gutted by it.  What the fuck dude.  You couldn’t hide from our connection.  You even talked about it.  Then nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.  Talk about a fucking let down.

So now I have realised, that yep that was me soul mate….. and there he goes…. living his life without me……

So what should I do now? Go back online dating?  Stay single? Try again with another Ex? Buy some cats?   This time of year is just bloody dumb trying to find a partner, so I have decided to give up until next year.  I am going away in a fortnight, for a fortnight, so what’s the point.

I am 37 soon.  Thirtyfuckingseven. So I need to get my shit together.  And that doesn’t necessarily mean finding a boyfriend – I just need to find my happy place (which involves getting some big D) whether that means some casual stuff or a proper relationship.

I don’t know.  This shit is hard.  Well at least I can say I met my soul mate.  Too bad he didn’t agree.

 

Change?

I love my own company.  I love staying in by myself.  My music, my wine, my lazy clothes with an un-maid up face and un-brushed hair. I love it.  I cherish it.  If I don’t get these days to myself I tend to go a little stir crazy.  But lately in these times I have felt a little lonely.  That’s an emotion that I hardly ever feel. Ever.  Some nights I go to sleep at night and feel like I am the only person in the world that feels like this.

I know where this emotion is coming from.  E left.  He is in Ethiopia.  On business apparently.  What ever the fuck that means.  This time is a bit different thou as usually when he is overseas we have zero contact.  This time… we video chat, message and I even have keys to his house.  Speak to his Mum on the phone.  It’s a very weird situation.  But knowing he won’t be just popping over whenever he feels like it has really left a mark on me.  I am not a spontaneous person, but he is, and I liked knowing that he could and would pop in at any time.  I loved it. And now he has gone and I feel totally lost.

Don’t feel completely sorry for me though. My bed hasn’t been left completely cold hahaha look,  a girl has needs! An old flame is back.  I met him before E.  We hit it off and fuck. He is so fucking sexy.  Does something to me.  That chemistry.  That fire. Of course we started hooking up just before he left town. 600kms away.  We tried to keep it going but it was too difficult. He always stayed in my mind this guy.  Then I met E and before I knew it 4 years had past and then last weekend I received that familiar booty call text from EK (I think I have a thing for guys who’s names start with E.  There has been 3 in a row!).  He came over, we fucked like crazy and it was sensational! The way we connect when we fuck is just mind blowing.  You see, the plan is to move away emotionally from E while he is overseas.  Because if I don’t do it now, I’ll never do it and I will stay in this pattern with him forever.

E sent me a video last week.  It was pictures of me he took when we went out to the hills one weekend before he left.  He added a soundtrack to it and everything.  With a caption:  “My best friend, my life”  Love or control?  I’m not sure.  I’ve never had anyone be like this with me, so I struggle to see the difference.

Fuck I don’t know.  I don’t know how I feel.  EK could really change things.  But I don’t know what he wants.  He has only been back in town for a week so I am just taking it easy with it all.  I am all excited that he is back, and it will just probably all just turn to shit regardless.

But who the fuck am I kidding?  Even as I write this and read over it, it is clear as day that I am still in love with E.  I can try and mask it, put other men in his place, but it’s always him.  It will always be him.  I keeping telling myself that I don’t want that life with him.  I don’t.  He is mean, narcissistic and a pathological liar.  But I love him. I want to re-wire my brain.  I want to move on.  I just don’t know how to fucking do it.

 

I need to be Strong. Stronger than before.

It’s Friday night again, and for me it’s the perfect time to reflect.  A glass of wine, some groovy tunes and sunset on my balcony.  Serenity at it’s best.  Except my mind can’t rest.  My mind keeps going back to him.  Yup. Him. That bloody annoying Ex that will not get out of my brain.   Is this what love is?  If it is I want out!

So to play catch ups… The Ex left to go overseas.  For a long time. Business… you know… all that. Before he left I asked him for the money he owes me.  $2500. He promised me a million times that I would have it before he left the country.  Yeah Right. He left the country and I didn’t see a penny.  So it was ultimatum time.  But I can’t give him an ultimatum.  I had to be smarter than that.  An ultimatum would not work in my favour.  So I sent him this:

“Ok this is the last time I am mentioning this. Please have the money in my account by this Friday the 15th of August. If it is not there by then I’ll assume you do not want to be friends anymore and that will be the last we see of each other.  Your choice.”

So do you think I saw any money? No I did not. Do you think I got a response?  I did not.  I didn’t contact him.  I thought to myself, if you don’t have enough respect for me to even reply you can go fuck yourself.  So I am trying to hold my ground and not contact him.  I think I am doing really well at sticking to my guns.  He messaged me about a month ago to ask if he could stay at my place when he gets back, which is in a few days, I said the standard room rate is $2500.  He just laughed.

I have tried to move on.  I really have.  I met, (and by met I mean have chatted to online) this amazing man and we got along like a house on fire.  We just clicked instantaneously.  It felt like it was going to be the next big romance.  And then he ghosted me.  Just like that.  No explanation, no sorry I’m not interested, nothing.  I am telling myself that something must have happened in his life, because I can’t for the life of me understand what happened.  So that means I am back to square one.   I have the Fijian up my sleeve but he is just after sex and is really really full on about always catching up.  I feel like I can’t breathe when he is back in town.  I need more than sex.  I need love.  I need affection. I need someone to love.

So my issue is… the Ex is back in a few days if his plans haven’t changed.  I know that I can’t let him back in my life without him paying me my money.  Cos if I let him back in without him giving it back, who am I?  I am his door mat again, and I refuse to do that.  I need to remember I have balls and I need to hold onto them!! I demand that respect back.  Problem is… I miss him with every bloody fiber of my being.  This is going to be the fight of my life with my emotions, and I just hope the next time I write here, that it is a positive story and not other downward spiral with a narcissist.

I have blossomed since he left.  Joined a gym, got a promotion at work, starting living my life again the way that I want to live it.

Follow your brains Fat Girl.  Not your heart.  Because your heart will send you straight back into his arms.  Be smart. Be assertive and don’t go back on your word.

Please let me be strong enough and make this the end.

So.  I think I have finally hit my limit with this fuckhead.  One of my friends once told me that I would get to this moment, but I couldn’t rush it, I had to get here in my own time, and I think I have arrived.  I now think because I have taken my time to get here its real.  I’m done. I’m out.  I’m ready to let go.  Fuck I really hope I am ready to let go.

So the Ex owes me $2500.  The dude is nearly a millionaire and he just won’t give me my money.  I think it all comes down to control.  He thinks as long as he has my money he has me.  Well I have news for him and it’s all fucking bad.  I have asked for my money back so many times and in so many different ways that I just can’t be fucked anymore.  Though I did come up with a plan which I now am going through with.  Give me my money back or we can’t be friends anymore.

You think that would work right?  Wrong.  Today is the day he has to pay up.  And I know he has no intention of doing so.  So he has chosen the money over me.  All that bullshit that I have been through with him and it has all ended over money.  I can’t quite believe it, but on the same token I am not surprised.

So all I need to do now is stick to it.  When he gets back from overseas I have to not see him, not respond to messages and cut him off completely.  I think I am ready to do that. I am over the shit. The lack of respect, the mind games and the just lies that come with being around him.

It’s time to move on.  Start a new chapter.  Come on Fat Girl, you got this! Change your life, be happy, get excited and break those chains of the Ex that just won’t fuck off.  DO IT!