Category Archives: Uncategorized

Please let me be strong enough and make this the end.

So.  I think I have finally hit my limit with this fuckhead.  One of my friends once told me that I would get to this moment, but I couldn’t rush it, I had to get here in my own time, and I think I have arrived.  I now think because I have taken my time to get here its real.  I’m done. I’m out.  I’m ready to let go.  Fuck I really hope I am ready to let go.

So the Ex owes me $2500.  The dude is nearly a millionaire and he just won’t give me my money.  I think it all comes down to control.  He thinks as long as he has my money he has me.  Well I have news for him and it’s all fucking bad.  I have asked for my money back so many times and in so many different ways that I just can’t be fucked anymore.  Though I did come up with a plan which I now am going through with.  Give me my money back or we can’t be friends anymore.

You think that would work right?  Wrong.  Today is the day he has to pay up.  And I know he has no intention of doing so.  So he has chosen the money over me.  All that bullshit that I have been through with him and it has all ended over money.  I can’t quite believe it, but on the same token I am not surprised.

So all I need to do now is stick to it.  When he gets back from overseas I have to not see him, not respond to messages and cut him off completely.  I think I am ready to do that. I am over the shit. The lack of respect, the mind games and the just lies that come with being around him.

It’s time to move on.  Start a new chapter.  Come on Fat Girl, you got this! Change your life, be happy, get excited and break those chains of the Ex that just won’t fuck off.  DO IT!

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You are taking her where?

When my Ex and I were together we planned a holiday together to Bali.   I was so excited.  I had never been on holidays with a boyfriend before.  I have been to Bali many times so I planned it all.  4 nights in Ubud in the forrest and 3 nights in Nusa so the Ex could go be a crazy man on all those water sports.  Booked.  Payed for.  We were ready to go.  So on the day of, the Ex was acting weird.  More testy that usual.  Had a really short fuse and kept asking the same questions over and over.  I put it down to not knowing much about the trip and not being in control.  Anyway, my brother came over and picked us up and off we went to the airport.  We got about halfway there and the Ex had an epileptic fit. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen.  Eyes rolled back, uncontrollable, foaming at the mouth, the whole thing.  I knew he had Epilepsy as a kid, but didn’t know that it was something we had to be concerned about.  We called an ambulance, got him to hospital, cancelled the holiday and spent the next three days in bed.  I played nurse and he mostly slept.  It was completely out of his control but I was shattered.

Fast forward to now about a year later and the Ex has just taken his wife on a holiday.  Wanna guess where??  Go on guess??  Yep. Bali.  He has taken her on our holiday.  This bothers me greatly.  On top of this, he is sending me pictures of his adventures, he has been gone two days and I’ve already had two video calls and he said this morning that he will take me back there at the end of the year when his wife goes back to the US.  WTF!

WHY AM I PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT?? WHY AM I ACCEPTING THIS AND NOT TELLING HIM TO STOP SENDING ME PICTURES EVERY HOUR??

Every picture I get, stabs me in the heart that little bit more.  But I just keep on taking the hits.  I can’t not answer his calls.  I can’t not reply to his messages. I am a fucking idiot.

I am not this person.  I choose not to be this person.  I have to change.  I have to move on.  If I don’t do something about this now, when the wife leaves, I will be back on that roller coaster with him and I don’t want that.  I want someone who puts me first.  Someone that gives me as much as I give them.  I want to love someone fiercely and they will love me back the same way.  Don’t I deserve that?

For fuck sake Fat Girl.  Wake up to him.  And do it soon before it’s too late.

He hit her.

So my ex rang me today, sad, distraught and in a pretty bad state.  This is the same Ex I have been sleeping with and the reason for most of these blog posts.

He rang me to tell me that he just assaulted his wife.  He snapped and had her up against a wall by the neck.  It was a scary phone call.  He has spoken before about the violence in their relationship and how he snaps and goes crazy.  It is a confronting topic and one I don’t feel comfortable in talking about with my friends.  It was hard to give him advice.  Hard not to want to punch him in the face myself.  The two of them have such a toxic relationship and neither party can step away from the other one and its just plain ass fucking weird.

I don’t tolerate domestic violence. No woman should have to worry about the man that loves her, striking her, intimidating her, or abusing her in anyway.   What makes me wonder though about these two fucktards, is 1) why are they still together when they both know the relationship is toxic? 2) Why does she provoke him in a way that she knows what the end result will be? 3) Why can’t he walk away from the conflict?

She never reports him.  She never leaves.  She always goes back.  Why?  In the 18 months he and I were together he never touched me.  It never ever got to that stage.  Not even close.  I always told him that he hurts me, he will never ever see me again, but I don’t think that is the reason he never hurt me.  She plays a part in this.  She provokes him.  Does that mean she likes it?  Or does she like what happens afterwards?  The apologies, the make up sex, the make up dinners, hand bags, the gifts, the power of knowing that she can end him if she wants too?  This woman is no wall flower.  She isn’t a doormat.  She gives as good as she gets (I have seen his scars) and she definitely wears the pants in that relationship.  It doesn’t make what he did excusable, but why is she still there?

Do I believe he is a monster?  No I don’t.  Do I think he has a mad temper and could be a risk to her and to himself?  Yes, absolutely.  How do you help people like this?  They both need to realise they play a part in this and even though what he did is unforgivable, two people caused this to happen.

I know you are probably reading this thinking I am biased and he is spinning this to get me on his side, and you know what?
He probably is.

There is two sides to every story.  Sometimes three.  You just have to push past the bullshit to get to the truth.

 

Fat people are people too.

This is a bit off topic than what I normally blog about, but it has been bothering me so I need to vent it out.

I had to go to the Doctor the other day.  I don’t want to go into any gross detail, but I was in a lot of pain in an awkward area.  My regular Doctor wasn’t available so I went to another one in the centre from a recommendation from my brother.  The Doctor was perfectly pleasant and easy to talk to, which was great.  What wasn’t great though, was that he completely did nothing about my current problem and all he talked to me about was my weight.

The words went like this:  “You definitely have Diabetes” “You’ll most likely get off an aeroplane one day and have a massive clot and die” “My wife was your size.  She died at 32” “I’m giving you the shake up that you need”

Ok,  I get that the Doctor needs to warn his patients of the health risks of obesity.  I get it. But how about treating what the patient has come in for first, and then as a secondary message, getting some background on your patient before you go hell for leather on them.  I left the appointment with no understanding of what was wrong with me, how to treat the wound or the pain, how long the symptoms would last for and the further outcome.  I had to go to see a Chemist to get that information.  Get the right bandages, pro-biotics etc.  All the Doctor saw was fat. I wasn’t a person.  I didn’t have any other issues but fatness.  Everything wrong with me is because of fatness.  My test results came back clear.  I don’t have Diabetes.  What am I concerned about now, is because of his one eyed approach, maybe he has missed something else.  The reason behind this issue.  The reason I went to the Doctor in the first place.  Missed it.  And because of that, it is re-occuring.

The thing that also pissed me off, he didn’t ask me any questions. It was the first time he had met me and he didn’t ask me anything.  Family history, exercise regime, food habits.  Just assumed I am a lazy ass fat woman that doesn’t exercise or eat vegetables.

I know he came from a good place, he just completely executed his words wrong.  Problem is, because of that, it will make me less inclined to go back to the Doctor when I need to.  I wonder how often this happens? And then the medical profession probably wonder why people leave things un-diagnosed and untreated.

People need to change their attitude.  No matter if you are fat, skinny, black, white, tall, short, ugly etc we all need to be treated the same.  Not with kid gloves, but with respect.

Ok rant over.  I’m off to eat a carrot stick and go to the gym.

 

 

 

Bbw vs The Trophy Wife

Before I even start this, I want to state for the record:  I have no issues with skinny girls, fit girls, tall girls, any girls that differ from me.  I’m all about body positivity actually.  Love who you are and all that shit.  Which brings me to my point.  If you love who you are and are true to yourself why do you bend to society and become a shallow face fuck.

Let me explain myself.

I have been continually over looked by men because I am a bbw.  But, I am overlooked only when it comes to long term relationships and the big commitments.  Definitely not overlooked when it comes to sex and having fun.  Well shit, bbw’s do it right don’t they.   In my life I have come across many men that love a bbw.  They go on and on about how they love the curves, love the softness, love the look, the chunky thighs, the big asses, the round bellies, all that stuff.  How they are not attracted to skinny woman.  How they could never fuck a skinny woman.  Then low and behold…. I get dropped for the Trophy wife. You know, the skinny beautiful woman that looks good in anything she wears and is pretty to look at and makes all your mates envious cos she’s ‘hot’.

So what I am finding is that a lot of men are closet bbw lovers.  Bbw’s are good enough to fuck.  Good enough to play around with, but not really socially acceptable to marry, or be in a committed relationship with.

I can tell what you are thinking…. You are thinking that there is probably something wrong with me and that’s why I’m still single and 35.  That’s what you are thinking right?  I actually don’t blame you for thinking like that.  I probably would too.  But trust me, I’m pretty normal.  Whatever normal is.

So why do men in this day and age, where it is ok to be yourself and do what ever you want, still find the need to have the trophy wife or girlfriend on their arm?  Someone for everyone else to think is hot and fuckable? Why don’t you, be with the person you’re really attracted too?

Case in point, I love a black man.  Love everything about them.  I don’t hide this.  I don’t pretend to like white blokes to fit in, make other people comfortable or be socially acceptable.  I like what I like and I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks.  Ohhh interracial is so taboo… Ahh fuck off and get educated.

I guess I am just frustrated by always getting past over for women that are no better than me.  No prettier, no smarter, no funnier…. just skinnier.   I’d be fine with it if I knew the bloke wasn’t a closet bbw lover.  Be free.  Love who you love.  Don’t be ashamed by any of it.

 

Stolen

Someone stole my wallet today.  And I cried for it like a lost friend.  I was so angry about it and the felt that sense of loneliness that I very rarely feel.  I felt useless, hopeless and just sad.  So sad.  This wasn’t just about my wallet.  It was about my life.  The void.  The emptiness that follows me around, most of the time unnoticed but days like today bites you on the ass so god damn hard you can’t control your tears.

My married friends with babies always whinge about how hard their life is.  No sleep, always looking after someone rather than themselves.  But do you know what is harder?  Being on your own.  Completely and utterly on your own.  No one to help.  No one to bitch to, no one to give a shit about you and your silly emotions.

I’m just being self indulgent.  Again, something I very rarely feel/do.  I put myself here.  I made these decisions.  I can’t go back now.

Fuck you wallet.

 

We should meet? Get the fuck out.

So much has happened since I last blogged.  I realise that I have to blog more to get these thoughts out of my head. Can’t count on my mates to support me anymore. I understand why.  I’m doing exactly what they told me not to do.  But it’s my life so fuck what anyone else thinks.   The only problem with that is, when the shit does hit the fan, you either go to your friends and get the ‘I told you so’ or you just suck it up and deal with it on your own.  So I am doing the latter.  Power to me.

So to catch up a little bit, I have brought a new house.  Woo Hoo! First home Buyer! So I am currently writing this on my balcony on my own. Finally on my own.  Champagne on the table and Kanye is blasting from the stereo.  It’s the little things you know.  And my boyfriend and I broke up and he is back with his wife.  Yep, she is here living in Australia. Sweet hey?  The fairy tale for him is just picture perfect.  Please pass me the spew bag.

So obviously I knew that this was always going to happen.  They would always get back together and live happily ever after.  Though to be honest, I did think that by now they would have had a massive row and she would have pissed back off to the US by now.  Clearly I am wrong.

What is interesting though, the ex and I still have remained friends (despite my friends warning me strongly against this) and we see each other often.  He apparently has told his wife that he and I are best best friends, he can’t live without me and she just has to get used to it.  Surely this rings alarm bells in her head.  He says, he has told her everything about me, and us aside from the fact we were fucking each other senseless for over a year, cos you know, that would then cause problems.  But here comes the clacker…. he wants us to meet.  Her and I in the same room.  With him.  Us all together.  What the actual fuck.  So he must of told her a fair bit to want that to happen.  He keeps bringing it up and I keep asking a million questions back.  “What does she know?” “Can I talk about anything?” “What’s off limits?”  All I got back from him was… don’t touch my ass in front of her.  hahaha I’m sorry but the man has the most beautiful ass I have ever seen and even though we are not together anymore I still have to grab it every now and then. hahaha

So we decided that we were going to meet.  In my head I thought it was a good idea.  Any lingering thoughts I had about him would disappear when I saw them together right?  They are in love and meant to be together.  I wouldn’t fit in the picture. right?  One of my friends de-bunked this theory right away.  “What if you see them together, realise they are not suited as much as you and him are and then might want him back?”  Thanks friend. FFS.

I still didn’t believe she knew I existed until the day I was video chatting with him and he says “There is someone I want you to meet..”  and puts her right in front of my face! Me being me, I was ultra friendly and chatty and tried to hide my awkwardness. She didn’t say much.  So I am real and I do exist.   In my head, I think he wants us to meet so she won’t be threatened by me.  I’m white, I’m fat and nothing much to look at.  She’s black, beautiful and 6″4′.  Little does she know, her husband loves bbw’s and get’s off on a fat ass and a big tummy.  Anyhoo, that’s neither here nor there.  We decided that they will come to my new place for dinner.  Awks… but it will be on my territory, so I will feel comfortable.  Righto.  This do this shit and watch it splatter all over my face. I’m just so curious to see them together.  To see her.  To see what I lost against.

So now I’ll take you to this Monday.  I have been overseas and haven’t seen the ex in over a week.  That’s a long time for us.  So he comes over, to catch up and watch some Homeland together.  Nothing new about that. But then something happened.  We fucked. Hard, fast and frantic. As soon as we finished I wanted to cry.  We had gone 4 months as friends and not gone there, and then in one stupid moment it was all shattered. The first thing he said afterwards is “This can never happen again” and then “I love you as well as her….you are an amazing woman”  Well good one fuck face, that doesn’t help me one bit.

He came back the next night, we pretending nothing had happened, but I got this ” You both need to meet, if you don’t, she will make me disappear from you.”  Nothing like an ultimatum.

How the fuck can I meet her, look her in the eye and pretend nothing is going on? Sometimes I wish he had never come into my life and fucked it all up.