So my ex rang me today, sad, distraught and in a pretty bad state. This is the same Ex I have been sleeping with and the reason for most of these blog posts.
He rang me to tell me that he just assaulted his wife. He snapped and had her up against a wall by the neck. It was a scary phone call. He has spoken before about the violence in their relationship and how he snaps and goes crazy. It is a confronting topic and one I don’t feel comfortable in talking about with my friends. It was hard to give him advice. Hard not to want to punch him in the face myself. The two of them have such a toxic relationship and neither party can step away from the other one and its just plain ass fucking weird.
I don’t tolerate domestic violence. No woman should have to worry about the man that loves her, striking her, intimidating her, or abusing her in anyway. What makes me wonder though about these two fucktards, is 1) why are they still together when they both know the relationship is toxic? 2) Why does she provoke him in a way that she knows what the end result will be? 3) Why can’t he walk away from the conflict?
She never reports him. She never leaves. She always goes back. Why? In the 18 months he and I were together he never touched me. It never ever got to that stage. Not even close. I always told him that he hurts me, he will never ever see me again, but I don’t think that is the reason he never hurt me. She plays a part in this. She provokes him. Does that mean she likes it? Or does she like what happens afterwards? The apologies, the make up sex, the make up dinners, hand bags, the gifts, the power of knowing that she can end him if she wants too? This woman is no wall flower. She isn’t a doormat. She gives as good as she gets (I have seen his scars) and she definitely wears the pants in that relationship. It doesn’t make what he did excusable, but why is she still there?
Do I believe he is a monster? No I don’t. Do I think he has a mad temper and could be a risk to her and to himself? Yes, absolutely. How do you help people like this? They both need to realise they play a part in this and even though what he did is unforgivable, two people caused this to happen.
I know you are probably reading this thinking I am biased and he is spinning this to get me on his side, and you know what?
He probably is.
There is two sides to every story. Sometimes three. You just have to push past the bullshit to get to the truth.
Someone stole my wallet today. And I cried for it like a lost friend. I was so angry about it and the felt that sense of loneliness that I very rarely feel. I felt useless, hopeless and just sad. So sad. This wasn’t just about my wallet. It was about my life. The void. The emptiness that follows me around, most of the time unnoticed but days like today bites you on the ass so god damn hard you can’t control your tears.
My married friends with babies always whinge about how hard their life is. No sleep, always looking after someone rather than themselves. But do you know what is harder? Being on your own. Completely and utterly on your own. No one to help. No one to bitch to, no one to give a shit about you and your silly emotions.
I’m just being self indulgent. Again, something I very rarely feel/do. I put myself here. I made these decisions. I can’t go back now.
Fuck you wallet.
I did it. It’s done. It is over. After a week of tears, sobs and general depression I feel like I am getting myself back. I feel strong again. I am dancing around the house again. It feels good.
The biggest problem I had during the week was everyone else. The support overall was amazing. But everyone had an opinion about how I should be dealing with him. Did they all just hate him that much that they all suggested absolutely no contact or did they just think I was so weak and so much under his spell that I wouldn’t have been able to do it any other way? Funnily enough the two people’s advice I respected the most was two people that I had to ask to get their thought on their opinion.
At the end of the day though, I didn’t do what everyone said to do. I did what felt right for me. What felt right for ‘us’. No one knows what is going on in someone else’s relationship or break up, so sure give your opinion, but give it with the respect that I will do whatever the fuck I want to do and you should, if you are my friend, support me either way.
Case in point – My best friends husband had an affair for about a month. She found out in dramatic style and now more than deal with the shitty thing her husband did, she has to deal with everyone’s opinion and cries of “Leave him!!” They say it more behind her back than to her face, but at the end of the day – does her choices actually effect your day to day? NO. Should you except her life choices and support her regardless? YES. Like they say. Opinions are like assholes… Everyone has one.
As the Ex and I had a very different relationship, we have decided to be friends and still see each other while going thru the break up. We know where each other stand and both recognize that we are so much better as friends than we are anything else. And I know both of us can’t bear to not be in each others lives. I feel so good and fresh about it, it’s like I am seeing things in a brand new light. I am looking forward to the future, one day meeting the next man, and until that happens doing all the things I want to do when I want to do it without having to think about anyone else.
He was meant to come into my life for a reason. I am not going cast him aside just because we didn’t work out as a couple.
The future is bright. And I am going to do what’s right for me.
I was at work the other day and there is nearly 40 something year old woman who has been in love with a guy for 7 years and he has shown zero interest in her aside from one kiss a year ago. She lives at his house when he is working at the mines and he has explained to her on numerous occasions that he only wants to be her friend and nothing more. He is clearly using her up, and gets pampered by her when he is home, but what makes a woman stick around waiting for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel?
This story really stuck with me. It was tragically sad that this woman has wasted her life on a man who doesn’t want her. All her emotions, feelings, thoughts are directed at him and what does she get back in return? Fuck all clearly. But why do we act this way? Why do females feel the need to be wanted, regardless if they get anything in return. It the mentality of “If I cook him his favourite meal maybe he will love me more” “If I clean his house and make him comfortable he might love me” “If I give him my all, surely he will notice and love me back” I’m sorry hunny but you are deluding yourself.
All her friends have told her that it is time to move on and find someone else. Find someone who loves her for her and gives her the respect she deserves, but she continues to pine for this love. Do women value themselves so barely that we can do this to ourselves our whole lives?
I hope for her sake that she sees the shit through the clay and moves on sooner rather than later before it’s too late and she gets jaded about life and love.
I also wish I could take my own bloody advice, but that’s a whole other story.
Today, I wear a mask. Why? Because without it I may crumble. Without it I don’t think I can face the day, the reality of this life I am in. I have never felt so low in my life and feel absolutely powerless to stop the fall. Where did that strong bubbly Fat Girl go? I hope she comes back sometime soon.
That’s a very very good question Fat Girl. How the hell did you get here? You are in a caravan at your parents house in Albany pondering your relationship with a man who clearly wants to be with someone else and pretends to be your boyfriend when it suits him (or when he is hungry, let’s be honest).
I never thought I would be here. I always thought that when the time came to bring someone down to meet the folks it would be someone that I would be proud to be with. Someone that loved me, someone that had respect for me and someone that I would have a future with. Well fuck me. How wrong was I?? This dude is the best actor I have ever met in my life. Fools everyone. Fools me most of the time. How could anyone be so cold? And be such a manipulative ass wipe? Says one thing to one person and the exact opposite to another. How does he keep up with his lies? How the fuck am I still looking at his face right now? How this dude sleeps at night is beyond me.
So back to my original question. How did I get here? Simply it was a sex thing that progressed out of control. And now I have lost control. I have no control at all anymore. I am now the woman that looks the other way. I am the woman that doesn’t hear things. Doesn’t see things. Pretends it is something it’s not. Do you know what is the most retarded thing about this whole situation thou?? I am confused about a man, that I don’t even think I want to be with!! Why am I fighting for something that is complete shit?? It must be a comfort thing cos it can’t be fuck all else. Sometimes it’s a sex thing. I have to be honest here. Sometimes it’s because he is hot and black thing. But, Come on Fat Girl!!! You are so much better than this!!!
The problem is, no one is ever really honest about their relationships. Everyone always says things that they think everyone wants to hear. It must make people feel better. If everyone was more fucking honest with each other, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad! Relationships are difficult. Sharing your life with someone is difficult. Trusting someone is really really difficult. People never say anything bad about their relationships unless someone complains about theirs first. If people were more god damn honest, I wouldn’t have had such a high expectation about how this relationship stuff should make me feel. In saying that though, maybe I am just in the wrong relationship, with the wrong dude. But is it supposed to go straight to the wife mode where all I am doing is cooking and cleaning with him hogging the tv remote and burping every two seconds? Where is the part where we properly fall in love? Where is the enjoyment part? Ohhhhhh thats right. You are so dumb Fat Girl! He does that with someone else in another world. Gives you enough love crumbs to keep you going. Ohhhh there is a song lyric in there….
Ahh Macy Grey…. Still
We are goin down
Cuz you’re always getting high
And your crumb and lovin
No longer get me by
Wow! It get better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of lovin
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
Light up like a candle burnin when he call me up
Melt down like a candle burnin everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
Be lovin you baby and it’s much too much
Yeah that’s it. Macy, girl, you got it going on. She knew what it was like, and I feel for you. This needs to end. It needs to end. If only I wasn’t in damn Albany, 450kms from home, with this cock head living with me in this damn caravan.
One day I will be free of this and wonder how the hell I got into it all in the first place.
It’s been two years since I wrote my first blog. Here I was thinking I was going to be this amazing blogger and who would of thought… I never came back.
For some reason today, out of nowhere, the thought came back to me that I wanted to document this recent shit going on. I think it is to find some clarity. To find some reason why we do the things we do, and more importantly, why we let people do things to us that hurts. Hurts you to the core. Hurts your soul. And you just let them. Time and time again you let them hurt you. You know it’s doing you damage. You know it’s changing you and you don’t walk away. So many opportunity’s go past, where you should of just walked away, or let him walk away. Instead you keep the status quo and keep on keeping on. Why the fuck do we do this to ourselves?? I certainly don’t like the feeling, but I continue to let this happen to me. It is all my fault.