Tag Archives: sad

You are taking her where?

When my Ex and I were together we planned a holiday together to Bali.   I was so excited.  I had never been on holidays with a boyfriend before.  I have been to Bali many times so I planned it all.  4 nights in Ubud in the forrest and 3 nights in Nusa so the Ex could go be a crazy man on all those water sports.  Booked.  Payed for.  We were ready to go.  So on the day of, the Ex was acting weird.  More testy that usual.  Had a really short fuse and kept asking the same questions over and over.  I put it down to not knowing much about the trip and not being in control.  Anyway, my brother came over and picked us up and off we went to the airport.  We got about halfway there and the Ex had an epileptic fit. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen.  Eyes rolled back, uncontrollable, foaming at the mouth, the whole thing.  I knew he had Epilepsy as a kid, but didn’t know that it was something we had to be concerned about.  We called an ambulance, got him to hospital, cancelled the holiday and spent the next three days in bed.  I played nurse and he mostly slept.  It was completely out of his control but I was shattered.

Fast forward to now about a year later and the Ex has just taken his wife on a holiday.  Wanna guess where??  Go on guess??  Yep. Bali.  He has taken her on our holiday.  This bothers me greatly.  On top of this, he is sending me pictures of his adventures, he has been gone two days and I’ve already had two video calls and he said this morning that he will take me back there at the end of the year when his wife goes back to the US.  WTF!

WHY AM I PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT?? WHY AM I ACCEPTING THIS AND NOT TELLING HIM TO STOP SENDING ME PICTURES EVERY HOUR??

Every picture I get, stabs me in the heart that little bit more.  But I just keep on taking the hits.  I can’t not answer his calls.  I can’t not reply to his messages. I am a fucking idiot.

I am not this person.  I choose not to be this person.  I have to change.  I have to move on.  If I don’t do something about this now, when the wife leaves, I will be back on that roller coaster with him and I don’t want that.  I want someone who puts me first.  Someone that gives me as much as I give them.  I want to love someone fiercely and they will love me back the same way.  Don’t I deserve that?

For fuck sake Fat Girl.  Wake up to him.  And do it soon before it’s too late.

Advertisements

He hit her.

So my ex rang me today, sad, distraught and in a pretty bad state.  This is the same Ex I have been sleeping with and the reason for most of these blog posts.

He rang me to tell me that he just assaulted his wife.  He snapped and had her up against a wall by the neck.  It was a scary phone call.  He has spoken before about the violence in their relationship and how he snaps and goes crazy.  It is a confronting topic and one I don’t feel comfortable in talking about with my friends.  It was hard to give him advice.  Hard not to want to punch him in the face myself.  The two of them have such a toxic relationship and neither party can step away from the other one and its just plain ass fucking weird.

I don’t tolerate domestic violence. No woman should have to worry about the man that loves her, striking her, intimidating her, or abusing her in anyway.   What makes me wonder though about these two fucktards, is 1) why are they still together when they both know the relationship is toxic? 2) Why does she provoke him in a way that she knows what the end result will be? 3) Why can’t he walk away from the conflict?

She never reports him.  She never leaves.  She always goes back.  Why?  In the 18 months he and I were together he never touched me.  It never ever got to that stage.  Not even close.  I always told him that he hurts me, he will never ever see me again, but I don’t think that is the reason he never hurt me.  She plays a part in this.  She provokes him.  Does that mean she likes it?  Or does she like what happens afterwards?  The apologies, the make up sex, the make up dinners, hand bags, the gifts, the power of knowing that she can end him if she wants too?  This woman is no wall flower.  She isn’t a doormat.  She gives as good as she gets (I have seen his scars) and she definitely wears the pants in that relationship.  It doesn’t make what he did excusable, but why is she still there?

Do I believe he is a monster?  No I don’t.  Do I think he has a mad temper and could be a risk to her and to himself?  Yes, absolutely.  How do you help people like this?  They both need to realise they play a part in this and even though what he did is unforgivable, two people caused this to happen.

I know you are probably reading this thinking I am biased and he is spinning this to get me on his side, and you know what?
He probably is.

There is two sides to every story.  Sometimes three.  You just have to push past the bullshit to get to the truth.

 

Stolen

Someone stole my wallet today.  And I cried for it like a lost friend.  I was so angry about it and the felt that sense of loneliness that I very rarely feel.  I felt useless, hopeless and just sad.  So sad.  This wasn’t just about my wallet.  It was about my life.  The void.  The emptiness that follows me around, most of the time unnoticed but days like today bites you on the ass so god damn hard you can’t control your tears.

My married friends with babies always whinge about how hard their life is.  No sleep, always looking after someone rather than themselves.  But do you know what is harder?  Being on your own.  Completely and utterly on your own.  No one to help.  No one to bitch to, no one to give a shit about you and your silly emotions.

I’m just being self indulgent.  Again, something I very rarely feel/do.  I put myself here.  I made these decisions.  I can’t go back now.

Fuck you wallet.