Tag Archives: breakups

We should meet? Get the fuck out.

So much has happened since I last blogged.  I realise that I have to blog more to get these thoughts out of my head. Can’t count on my mates to support me anymore. I understand why.  I’m doing exactly what they told me not to do.  But it’s my life so fuck what anyone else thinks.   The only problem with that is, when the shit does hit the fan, you either go to your friends and get the ‘I told you so’ or you just suck it up and deal with it on your own.  So I am doing the latter.  Power to me.

So to catch up a little bit, I have brought a new house.  Woo Hoo! First home Buyer! So I am currently writing this on my balcony on my own. Finally on my own.  Champagne on the table and Kanye is blasting from the stereo.  It’s the little things you know.  And my boyfriend and I broke up and he is back with his wife.  Yep, she is here living in Australia. Sweet hey?  The fairy tale for him is just picture perfect.  Please pass me the spew bag.

So obviously I knew that this was always going to happen.  They would always get back together and live happily ever after.  Though to be honest, I did think that by now they would have had a massive row and she would have pissed back off to the US by now.  Clearly I am wrong.

What is interesting though, the ex and I still have remained friends (despite my friends warning me strongly against this) and we see each other often.  He apparently has told his wife that he and I are best best friends, he can’t live without me and she just has to get used to it.  Surely this rings alarm bells in her head.  He says, he has told her everything about me, and us aside from the fact we were fucking each other senseless for over a year, cos you know, that would then cause problems.  But here comes the clacker…. he wants us to meet.  Her and I in the same room.  With him.  Us all together.  What the actual fuck.  So he must of told her a fair bit to want that to happen.  He keeps bringing it up and I keep asking a million questions back.  “What does she know?” “Can I talk about anything?” “What’s off limits?”  All I got back from him was… don’t touch my ass in front of her.  hahaha I’m sorry but the man has the most beautiful ass I have ever seen and even though we are not together anymore I still have to grab it every now and then. hahaha

So we decided that we were going to meet.  In my head I thought it was a good idea.  Any lingering thoughts I had about him would disappear when I saw them together right?  They are in love and meant to be together.  I wouldn’t fit in the picture. right?  One of my friends de-bunked this theory right away.  “What if you see them together, realise they are not suited as much as you and him are and then might want him back?”  Thanks friend. FFS.

I still didn’t believe she knew I existed until the day I was video chatting with him and he says “There is someone I want you to meet..”  and puts her right in front of my face! Me being me, I was ultra friendly and chatty and tried to hide my awkwardness. She didn’t say much.  So I am real and I do exist.   In my head, I think he wants us to meet so she won’t be threatened by me.  I’m white, I’m fat and nothing much to look at.  She’s black, beautiful and 6″4′.  Little does she know, her husband loves bbw’s and get’s off on a fat ass and a big tummy.  Anyhoo, that’s neither here nor there.  We decided that they will come to my new place for dinner.  Awks… but it will be on my territory, so I will feel comfortable.  Righto.  This do this shit and watch it splatter all over my face. I’m just so curious to see them together.  To see her.  To see what I lost against.

So now I’ll take you to this Monday.  I have been overseas and haven’t seen the ex in over a week.  That’s a long time for us.  So he comes over, to catch up and watch some Homeland together.  Nothing new about that. But then something happened.  We fucked. Hard, fast and frantic. As soon as we finished I wanted to cry.  We had gone 4 months as friends and not gone there, and then in one stupid moment it was all shattered. The first thing he said afterwards is “This can never happen again” and then “I love you as well as her….you are an amazing woman”  Well good one fuck face, that doesn’t help me one bit.

He came back the next night, we pretending nothing had happened, but I got this ” You both need to meet, if you don’t, she will make me disappear from you.”  Nothing like an ultimatum.

How the fuck can I meet her, look her in the eye and pretend nothing is going on? Sometimes I wish he had never come into my life and fucked it all up.

 

 

 

 

 

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I think I’am kidding myself.

I just read my last blog post.

Shit how confident and up my own ass was I?

Now I think I am kidding myself.

My and my ex have continued to see each other since the break up.  We have also continued to have sleep overs and have sex. It was like nothing had changed but at the same time everything has changed.  I had changed. My feelings had changed.  Hadn’t they?  I had the best of both worlds. I was single and could do whatever I wanted, but I also had that hot sexy man still in my bed most nights. Perfect hey.  Yeah Nah.

The good part about the break up was it opened up the conversation between us. He spoke more freely about his family and how he felt about me and where I fitted into his life.  This made things a lot clearer about where I stood. We could just be best friends.  Best Friends. He says those words to me every day. Best Friends. I don’t even know what that means anymore.  I am starting to realise that all this ‘clarity’ is just more of his bullshit.  A way to keep me in his life forever, so he doesn’t have to lose me.  Classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

How are we as best friends gonna work when I get a new boyfriend?  He wants to find my next partner, and I can guarantee that is so he can still have control over me.  I want him in my life but at what level? At what cost to other relationships in my life? Is it worth it?

I joined an online dating site tonight.  I don’t think I am ready, but when will I ever be?