We should meet? Get the fuck out.

So much has happened since I last blogged.  I realise that I have to blog more to get these thoughts out of my head. Can’t count on my mates to support me anymore. I understand why.  I’m doing exactly what they told me not to do.  But it’s my life so fuck what anyone else thinks.   The only problem with that is, when the shit does hit the fan, you either go to your friends and get the ‘I told you so’ or you just suck it up and deal with it on your own.  So I am doing the latter.  Power to me.

So to catch up a little bit, I have brought a new house.  Woo Hoo! First home Buyer! So I am currently writing this on my balcony on my own. Finally on my own.  Champagne on the table and Kanye is blasting from the stereo.  It’s the little things you know.  And my boyfriend and I broke up and he is back with his wife.  Yep, she is here living in Australia. Sweet hey?  The fairy tale for him is just picture perfect.  Please pass me the spew bag.

So obviously I knew that this was always going to happen.  They would always get back together and live happily ever after.  Though to be honest, I did think that by now they would have had a massive row and she would have pissed back off to the US by now.  Clearly I am wrong.

What is interesting though, the ex and I still have remained friends (despite my friends warning me strongly against this) and we see each other often.  He apparently has told his wife that he and I are best best friends, he can’t live without me and she just has to get used to it.  Surely this rings alarm bells in her head.  He says, he has told her everything about me, and us aside from the fact we were fucking each other senseless for over a year, cos you know, that would then cause problems.  But here comes the clacker…. he wants us to meet.  Her and I in the same room.  With him.  Us all together.  What the actual fuck.  So he must of told her a fair bit to want that to happen.  He keeps bringing it up and I keep asking a million questions back.  “What does she know?” “Can I talk about anything?” “What’s off limits?”  All I got back from him was… don’t touch my ass in front of her.  hahaha I’m sorry but the man has the most beautiful ass I have ever seen and even though we are not together anymore I still have to grab it every now and then. hahaha

So we decided that we were going to meet.  In my head I thought it was a good idea.  Any lingering thoughts I had about him would disappear when I saw them together right?  They are in love and meant to be together.  I wouldn’t fit in the picture. right?  One of my friends de-bunked this theory right away.  “What if you see them together, realise they are not suited as much as you and him are and then might want him back?”  Thanks friend. FFS.

I still didn’t believe she knew I existed until the day I was video chatting with him and he says “There is someone I want you to meet..”  and puts her right in front of my face! Me being me, I was ultra friendly and chatty and tried to hide my awkwardness. She didn’t say much.  So I am real and I do exist.   In my head, I think he wants us to meet so she won’t be threatened by me.  I’m white, I’m fat and nothing much to look at.  She’s black, beautiful and 6″4′.  Little does she know, her husband loves bbw’s and get’s off on a fat ass and a big tummy.  Anyhoo, that’s neither here nor there.  We decided that they will come to my new place for dinner.  Awks… but it will be on my territory, so I will feel comfortable.  Righto.  This do this shit and watch it splatter all over my face. I’m just so curious to see them together.  To see her.  To see what I lost against.

So now I’ll take you to this Monday.  I have been overseas and haven’t seen the ex in over a week.  That’s a long time for us.  So he comes over, to catch up and watch some Homeland together.  Nothing new about that. But then something happened.  We fucked. Hard, fast and frantic. As soon as we finished I wanted to cry.  We had gone 4 months as friends and not gone there, and then in one stupid moment it was all shattered. The first thing he said afterwards is “This can never happen again” and then “I love you as well as her….you are an amazing woman”  Well good one fuck face, that doesn’t help me one bit.

He came back the next night, we pretending nothing had happened, but I got this ” You both need to meet, if you don’t, she will make me disappear from you.”  Nothing like an ultimatum.

How the fuck can I meet her, look her in the eye and pretend nothing is going on? Sometimes I wish he had never come into my life and fucked it all up.







I think I’am kidding myself.

I just read my last blog post.

Shit how confident and up my own ass was I?

Now I think I am kidding myself.

My and my ex have continued to see each other since the break up.  We have also continued to have sleep overs and have sex. It was like nothing had changed but at the same time everything has changed.  I had changed. My feelings had changed.  Hadn’t they?  I had the best of both worlds. I was single and could do whatever I wanted, but I also had that hot sexy man still in my bed most nights. Perfect hey.  Yeah Nah.

The good part about the break up was it opened up the conversation between us. He spoke more freely about his family and how he felt about me and where I fitted into his life.  This made things a lot clearer about where I stood. We could just be best friends.  Best Friends. He says those words to me every day. Best Friends. I don’t even know what that means anymore.  I am starting to realise that all this ‘clarity’ is just more of his bullshit.  A way to keep me in his life forever, so he doesn’t have to lose me.  Classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

How are we as best friends gonna work when I get a new boyfriend?  He wants to find my next partner, and I can guarantee that is so he can still have control over me.  I want him in my life but at what level? At what cost to other relationships in my life? Is it worth it?

I joined an online dating site tonight.  I don’t think I am ready, but when will I ever be?


It’s over.

I did it. It’s done. It is over.  After a week of tears, sobs and general depression I feel like I am getting myself back. I feel strong again.  I am dancing around the house again.  It feels good.

The biggest problem I had during the week was everyone else.  The support overall was amazing.  But everyone had an opinion about how I should be dealing with him.  Did they all just hate him that much that they all suggested absolutely no contact or did they just think I was so weak and so much under his spell that I wouldn’t have been able to do it any other way?  Funnily enough the two people’s advice I respected the most was two people that I had to ask to get their thought on their opinion.

At the end of the day though, I didn’t do what everyone said to do.  I did what felt right for me.  What felt right for ‘us’.  No one knows what is going on in someone else’s relationship or break up, so sure give your opinion, but give it with the respect that I will do whatever the fuck I want to do and you should, if you are my friend, support me either way.

Case in point – My best friends husband had an affair for about a month.  She found out in dramatic style and now more than deal with the shitty thing her husband did, she has to deal with everyone’s opinion and cries of “Leave him!!” They say it more behind her back than to her face, but at the end of the day – does her choices actually effect your day to day? NO. Should you except her life choices and support her regardless? YES.  Like they say. Opinions are like assholes… Everyone has one.

As the Ex and I had a very different relationship, we have decided to be friends and still see each other while going thru the break up.  We know where each other stand and both recognize that we are so much better as friends than we are anything else.  And I know both of us can’t bear to not be in each others lives.  I feel so good and fresh about it, it’s like I am seeing things in a brand new light.  I am looking forward to the future, one day meeting the next man, and until that happens doing all the things I want to do when I want to do it without having to think about anyone else.

He was meant to come into my life for a reason. I am not going cast him aside just because we didn’t work out as a couple.

The future is bright. And I am going to do what’s right for me.










Unrequited love

I was at work the other day and there is nearly 40 something year old woman who has been in love with a guy for 7 years and he has shown zero interest in her aside from one kiss a year ago.  She lives at his house when he is working at the mines and he has explained to her on numerous occasions that he only wants to be her friend and nothing more.  He is clearly using her up, and gets pampered by her when he is home, but what makes a woman stick around waiting for so long with no light at the end of the tunnel?

This story really stuck with me.  It was tragically sad that this woman has wasted her life on a man who doesn’t want her.  All her emotions, feelings, thoughts are directed at him and what does she get back in return?  Fuck all clearly.  But why do we act this way?  Why do females feel the need to be wanted, regardless if they get anything in return.  It the mentality of “If I cook him his favourite meal maybe he will love me more”  “If I clean his house and make him comfortable he might love me” “If I give him my all, surely he will notice and love me back”  I’m sorry hunny but you are deluding yourself.

All her friends have told her that it is time to move on and find someone else.  Find someone who loves her for her and gives her the respect she deserves, but she continues to pine for this love.  Do women value themselves so barely that we can do this to ourselves our whole lives?

I hope for her sake that she sees the shit through the clay and moves on sooner rather than later before it’s too late and she gets jaded about life and love.

I also wish I could take my own bloody advice, but that’s a whole other story.





How did I get here?

That’s a very very good question Fat Girl.  How the hell did you get here?  You are in a caravan at your parents house in Albany pondering your relationship with a man who clearly wants to be with someone else and pretends to be your boyfriend when it suits him (or when he is hungry, let’s be honest).

I never thought I would be here.  I always thought that when the time came to bring someone down to meet the folks it would be someone that I would be proud to be with.  Someone that loved me, someone that had respect for me and someone that I would have a future with.  Well fuck me.  How wrong was I??  This dude is the best actor I have ever met in my life.  Fools everyone.  Fools me most of the time.  How could anyone be so cold?  And be such a manipulative ass wipe?  Says one thing to one person and the exact opposite to another.  How does he keep up with his lies?  How the fuck am I still looking at his face right now?  How this dude sleeps at night is beyond me.

So back to my original question.  How did I get here?  Simply it was a sex thing that progressed out of control.  And now I have lost control.  I have no control at all anymore. I am now the woman that looks the other way.  I am the woman that doesn’t hear things. Doesn’t see things.  Pretends it is something it’s not.  Do you know what is the most retarded thing about this whole situation thou??  I am confused about a man, that I don’t even think I want to be with!!  Why am I fighting for something that is complete shit??  It must be a comfort thing cos it can’t be fuck all else.  Sometimes it’s a sex thing. I have to be honest here.  Sometimes it’s because he is hot and black thing. But, Come on Fat Girl!!! You are so much better than this!!!

The problem is, no one is ever really honest about their relationships.  Everyone always says things that they think everyone wants to hear. It must make people feel better.  If everyone was more fucking honest with each other, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad!  Relationships are difficult.  Sharing your life with someone is difficult. Trusting someone is really really difficult. People never say anything bad about their relationships unless someone complains about theirs first.  If people were more god damn honest, I wouldn’t have had such a high expectation about how this relationship stuff should make me feel.  In saying that though, maybe I am just in the wrong relationship, with the wrong dude. But is it supposed to go straight to the wife mode where all I am doing is cooking and cleaning with him hogging the tv remote and burping every two seconds?  Where is the part where we properly fall in love?  Where is the enjoyment part?  Ohhhhhh thats right.  You are so dumb Fat Girl!  He does that with someone else in another world.  Gives you enough love crumbs to keep you going.  Ohhhh there is a song lyric in there….

Ahh Macy Grey…. Still


We are goin down
Cuz you’re always getting high
And your crumb and lovin
No longer get me by
Wow! It get better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of lovin
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still
Light up like a candle burnin when he call me up
I still
Melt down like a candle burnin everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still
Be lovin you baby and it’s much too much


Yeah that’s it.  Macy, girl, you got it going on. She knew what it was like, and I feel for you.  This needs to end.  It needs to end.  If only I wasn’t in damn Albany, 450kms from home, with this cock head living with me in this damn caravan.

One day I will be free of this and wonder how the hell I got into it all in the first place.

It’s all my fault

It’s been two years since I wrote my first blog. Here I was thinking I was going to be this amazing blogger and who would of thought… I never came back.

For some reason today, out of nowhere, the thought came back to me that I wanted to document this recent shit going on.  I think it is to find some clarity. To find some reason why we do the things we do, and more importantly, why we let people do things to us that hurts. Hurts you to the core.  Hurts your soul.  And you just let them. Time and time again you let them hurt you.  You know it’s doing you damage. You know it’s changing you and you don’t walk away. So many opportunity’s go past, where you should of just walked away, or let him walk away.  Instead you keep the status quo and keep on keeping on.  Why the fuck do we do this to ourselves??  I certainly don’t like the feeling, but I continue to let this happen to me. It is all my fault.