I think I’am kidding myself.

I just read my last blog post.

Shit how confident and up my own ass was I?

Now I think I am kidding myself.

My and my ex have continued to see each other since the break up.  We have also continued to have sleep overs and have sex. It was like nothing had changed but at the same time everything has changed.  I had changed. My feelings had changed.  Hadn’t they?  I had the best of both worlds. I was single and could do whatever I wanted, but I also had that hot sexy man still in my bed most nights. Perfect hey.  Yeah Nah.

The good part about the break up was it opened up the conversation between us. He spoke more freely about his family and how he felt about me and where I fitted into his life.  This made things a lot clearer about where I stood. We could just be best friends.  Best Friends. He says those words to me every day. Best Friends. I don’t even know what that means anymore.  I am starting to realise that all this ‘clarity’ is just more of his bullshit.  A way to keep me in his life forever, so he doesn’t have to lose me.  Classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

How are we as best friends gonna work when I get a new boyfriend?  He wants to find my next partner, and I can guarantee that is so he can still have control over me.  I want him in my life but at what level? At what cost to other relationships in my life? Is it worth it?

I joined an online dating site tonight.  I don’t think I am ready, but when will I ever be?

 

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