How did I get here?

That’s a very very good question Fat Girl.  How the hell did you get here?  You are in a caravan at your parents house in Albany pondering your relationship with a man who clearly wants to be with someone else and pretends to be your boyfriend when it suits him (or when he is hungry, let’s be honest).

I never thought I would be here.  I always thought that when the time came to bring someone down to meet the folks it would be someone that I would be proud to be with.  Someone that loved me, someone that had respect for me and someone that I would have a future with.  Well fuck me.  How wrong was I??  This dude is the best actor I have ever met in my life.  Fools everyone.  Fools me most of the time.  How could anyone be so cold?  And be such a manipulative ass wipe?  Says one thing to one person and the exact opposite to another.  How does he keep up with his lies?  How the fuck am I still looking at his face right now?  How this dude sleeps at night is beyond me.

So back to my original question.  How did I get here?  Simply it was a sex thing that progressed out of control.  And now I have lost control.  I have no control at all anymore. I am now the woman that looks the other way.  I am the woman that doesn’t hear things. Doesn’t see things.  Pretends it is something it’s not.  Do you know what is the most retarded thing about this whole situation thou??  I am confused about a man, that I don’t even think I want to be with!!  Why am I fighting for something that is complete shit??  It must be a comfort thing cos it can’t be fuck all else.  Sometimes it’s a sex thing. I have to be honest here.  Sometimes it’s because he is hot and black thing. But, Come on Fat Girl!!! You are so much better than this!!!

The problem is, no one is ever really honest about their relationships.  Everyone always says things that they think everyone wants to hear. It must make people feel better.  If everyone was more fucking honest with each other, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad!  Relationships are difficult.  Sharing your life with someone is difficult. Trusting someone is really really difficult. People never say anything bad about their relationships unless someone complains about theirs first.  If people were more god damn honest, I wouldn’t have had such a high expectation about how this relationship stuff should make me feel.  In saying that though, maybe I am just in the wrong relationship, with the wrong dude. But is it supposed to go straight to the wife mode where all I am doing is cooking and cleaning with him hogging the tv remote and burping every two seconds?  Where is the part where we properly fall in love?  Where is the enjoyment part?  Ohhhhhh thats right.  You are so dumb Fat Girl!  He does that with someone else in another world.  Gives you enough love crumbs to keep you going.  Ohhhh there is a song lyric in there….

Ahh Macy Grey…. Still


We are goin down
Cuz you’re always getting high
And your crumb and lovin
No longer get me by
Wow! It get better everytime that we get high
Then your crumbs of lovin
They somehow get me by
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still
Light up like a candle burnin when he call me up
I still
Melt down like a candle burnin everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still
Be lovin you baby and it’s much too much


Yeah that’s it.  Macy, girl, you got it going on. She knew what it was like, and I feel for you.  This needs to end.  It needs to end.  If only I wasn’t in damn Albany, 450kms from home, with this cock head living with me in this damn caravan.

One day I will be free of this and wonder how the hell I got into it all in the first place.


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